sex and the city is not the best show ever

I'm gonna say it. Sex and the City out white girled me more than I realized. I cannot stand Carrie's dumbass and not going to lie, it will send me down a spiral if I have to go through with her dealing with her love for Big when he clearly think's he's too good for her. Maybe I'm a hater, but I've left off on season 5 and I'm kind of over watching this while there are genuine real world things to worry about other than a loser single man who doesn't actually care about her!!!! I also think that though there are some really good things, this really does bring out this one thing I just pay attention to at least within growing into an adult recently. People don't care to be genuinely good to themselves! Carrie has this incredibly messy tendency to go back to Big and every damn time it crushes me because it really always is this weird trope lots of people have grown into. You have one major love, you need to be with them, whatever happens you just deal with it. NO!!! What happened to womanhood was based off of just other people's experiences and not letting relationships define you??? I feel like the writers really had me so fucked up on that and maybe that's just why I can't watch the show about it. I may be judgmental on people who do that, but in all seriousness, why do people genuinely put themselves through that much pain for someone so embarrassed to see them? 

I guess it might also be a reflection of who I was before this past year. It's really hard to love. It really is, but there's some solace in knowing you can trust yourself to choose you. There's some really beautiful thing about knowing that as a person you can look at yourself and say, I love living in my little body, my stupid little nose, with my freckles that remind me of a smaller version of me, the hip dips I used to cry about. This is my body! I love it! 

It's hard to live in a world where you have to concept who you are as an individual. I've been facing it head on for the past two weeks figuring out how to be comfortable alone while I learn who I am and why I am loved. It's hard trying to understand why you are your own villain but you aren't meant to just sit in your own wallowing pain, gosh you're supposed to enjoy your loneliness! It's hard out here but I think the woman in me is so happy that I'm getting some stuff to decorate my little study corner and potentially get my grad school life ready as I process who I am. I'm finally getting old enough to just be myself and enjoy who I am. I weirdly enough have found a huge knack for reading about Art History. I love learning in general and just planning and I found that love all on my own. There are ways to have identities without a love, you just need to put boundaries on how you process those things. This week I grieved very hard, but I'm not letting that be just my reason for being upset and depressed. I have my own personal likes and wants which no single person can take away.

Sex and the City overall kind of just proves to me how all of their problems revolve around the fact that as single women, we all apparently strive to be cared for without realizing that the love of a sisterly friendship is so much stronger than any love you could see in the rest of the world.