love, it's things and the way we grieve

You know, you would really think taking philosophy of love would help your concept of what exactly love is but everywhere is so different and so insanely hard to just have an objective definition of love. When we first think of love we think of the heteronormative concept of where a man and woman get married, have a family and live happily ever after as if there's no problems in the in between and no consideration of who we are alone. This by the way is also just so boring. I feel like as of lately I've been trying really hard to understand my definition of love and how we can even perceive it especially at such a young age. It's clearly not tangible, it's a psychological emotion (at least that's what science says) and lots of other stuff that freaks younger people out who just want to live through life and just settle down and will look for anyone easily. Loving can be really beautiful as I've seen with my friends. Lately I've realized how romantic love as itself is solely that we can have one singular friend and the depth it comes in. Recently understanding of how intensely I feel, not one single person can bring this to me and in a way, it's communal but not in a romantic setting. I feel like the one people who I feel like have genuinely loved me have been my close friends. I guess you can consider partners like this but I cannot grasp the idea of being solely with one person and that is who revolves around the world. This is not a pro-polyamorous take I think there is this kind of depth with women friends. I have two amazing friends who actually show me 10 times more than what I deserve. Dealing with losing people is so heart shattering but in a way, I know I will love again, I know that I am actually lovable even if I keep telling myself I'm not, one person's concept of me will never change who I am to the people I have learned to dedicate myself to. Losing a lover is difficult, losing someone you create a deep connection with in itself is a hard concept to even live with. I grow everyday loving and feeling like I recess back without one feels so draining but also, life is so big. We really do have an ocean out here even if we don't understand. There are people in worlds you couldn't even fathom. We are all only so young. Believing a bigger world where we can love once and that love is just so beautiful alone makes you feel so big but also so brand new. I learn to be honest and express myself in my writing which in itself is my own personal way of loving myself. I love my friends by listening, by spending genuine time with them and knowing that I have felt things that they have felt and I am just as intense as they are. I always have moments where I sit and cry and contemplate why I even care to love if things don't fully work out sometimes then I remember the joy of being passionate about someone. I remember how it feels to be able to sit in a setting with your closest people and enjoy something as much of a blessing as music, or as a poetry event, or even just a movie you enjoy and you just talk with them and never stop thinking about it for days. This week has sucked but I've learned and I'm ready to finally love myself even if I don't feel so great in the beginning. I've got one body and this body is mine. 

sex and the city is not the best show ever

I'm gonna say it. Sex and the City out white girled me more than I realized. I cannot stand Carrie's dumbass and not going to lie, it will send me down a spiral if I have to go through with her dealing with her love for Big when he clearly think's he's too good for her. Maybe I'm a hater, but I've left off on season 5 and I'm kind of over watching this while there are genuine real world things to worry about other than a loser single man who doesn't actually care about her!!!! I also think that though there are some really good things, this really does bring out this one thing I just pay attention to at least within growing into an adult recently. People don't care to be genuinely good to themselves! Carrie has this incredibly messy tendency to go back to Big and every damn time it crushes me because it really always is this weird trope lots of people have grown into. You have one major love, you need to be with them, whatever happens you just deal with it. NO!!! What happened to womanhood was based off of just other people's experiences and not letting relationships define you??? I feel like the writers really had me so fucked up on that and maybe that's just why I can't watch the show about it. I may be judgmental on people who do that, but in all seriousness, why do people genuinely put themselves through that much pain for someone so embarrassed to see them? 

I guess it might also be a reflection of who I was before this past year. It's really hard to love. It really is, but there's some solace in knowing you can trust yourself to choose you. There's some really beautiful thing about knowing that as a person you can look at yourself and say, I love living in my little body, my stupid little nose, with my freckles that remind me of a smaller version of me, the hip dips I used to cry about. This is my body! I love it! 

It's hard to live in a world where you have to concept who you are as an individual. I've been facing it head on for the past two weeks figuring out how to be comfortable alone while I learn who I am and why I am loved. It's hard trying to understand why you are your own villain but you aren't meant to just sit in your own wallowing pain, gosh you're supposed to enjoy your loneliness! It's hard out here but I think the woman in me is so happy that I'm getting some stuff to decorate my little study corner and potentially get my grad school life ready as I process who I am. I'm finally getting old enough to just be myself and enjoy who I am. I weirdly enough have found a huge knack for reading about Art History. I love learning in general and just planning and I found that love all on my own. There are ways to have identities without a love, you just need to put boundaries on how you process those things. This week I grieved very hard, but I'm not letting that be just my reason for being upset and depressed. I have my own personal likes and wants which no single person can take away.

Sex and the City overall kind of just proves to me how all of their problems revolve around the fact that as single women, we all apparently strive to be cared for without realizing that the love of a sisterly friendship is so much stronger than any love you could see in the rest of the world. 

the way music's been evolving for me

While a lot of this blog so far has been my political views, I do kind of want to talk about myself for a lil bit here. It's kind of frustrating being where I'm at and realizing I've kind of gotten used to the wine mom life style but I also sort of love it. I've never really partied growing up or even really did much sneaking out and I feel like that's probably due to my upbringing but also, there's a lot of my personal life that changed and how my priorities in the past two years have been done for. I feel a bit disillusioned by music now if I'm being quite honest. It's always been on and off but as of lately, I've realized that I'm not actually passionate about music. Not that it means that I dislike it or anything or that there's a feeling of displeasure to it but it's more on the fact that I feel as though I don't feel that immediate want to make music as much anymore. Maybe it's the shift in feeling or honestly even just taking Philosophy of Music but I think I'm away from the feelings of music solely because I'm just not angry and 17-20 anymore. I've for the most part also hated over analyzing it when I got into philosophy, I want to sometimes just get away from my work not just constantly be reminded that when I look or hear anything that i HAVE to think about it and make it into a sort of discussion. Weirdly enough, I kind of learned to love music with no lyrics or spoken voice at all. I for the most part genuinely just love the content of it. The fact that with the music there really is no certainty of what the artist could've meant and you can make assumptions but you'll never actually understand or get the feeling because of what's being shown in front of you. For the most part, it does sometimes make me so sad because of how much I've grown my social life because of music. In a way it really is a part of me but I don't think my purpose in this world is to create music or to be some sort of great artist where I sing. Sure, I like writing music and I like performing, but I feel like in genuine all seriousness, my true passion in the world is philosophy and will always be philosophy. 

the martyrdom of revolutionaries

The news officially broke out about Hassan Nassrallah dying and my dad is probably the most upset about a political death for the first time in a long time. We see this happen a lot as eastern people living in the west. What kind of blows my mind so much is how revolutionaries all the time are KILLED. We savor life so much in political instances with the laws that we make, the fact that when someone dies due to medical induced suicide that they don't even have the right to do that and so then and there we should hold the doctors who've helped accountable. Why the hell can these doctors be prosecuted but not literal war criminals? Why do these people hold the arms of america just to dismantle our entire societies. Lebanon is in shambles for one, singular, life that they still took. Imagine being so villainized, so ambushed, every single thing you have done being used against you, and you can't do a single thing about it because instead of a world of bliss understanding like we see in america "land of the free", we see a grey world. No real education, no reservation to your own land, not a single real breathing moment where you could say something in public and not have a target on your back. It's been a weird time trying to express myself in the states as I hold a weird stance that no matter what I do, apparently being political is a weird position to have. I sort of feel this with some of my peers that don't really pay attention to the conflicts that happen nor actually want to because people would rather live in this cave and focus on the things that, in my opinion, are so small in this world. Every single day Al Jazeera is playing in my house, in the family shop, we listen to the news podcasts on it in the car. I think the best outcome of this though, is the mindset that my dad has now adopted. "You know how we'll free Palestine? Educating everyone and showing the atrocities of the world. Making people learn and see what we see." There is much in this world that we will end up realizing is a forgotten word that we have heard or even a forgotten idea that we've kept alive from the people around us. I think the main promise of Palestinian people that we need to keep is that we need to remember them. Every single one of them. These people had regular lives, regular coffee, families, someone who hated them, someone who found them annoying, someone who they would normally pass and never actually say anything to but they still just passed by because they were alive. I feel like this feeling is always lost. These ideas are never actually grounded but are the stories we tell of our people.