love, it's things and the way we grieve

You know, you would really think taking philosophy of love would help your concept of what exactly love is but everywhere is so different and so insanely hard to just have an objective definition of love. When we first think of love we think of the heteronormative concept of where a man and woman get married, have a family and live happily ever after as if there's no problems in the in between and no consideration of who we are alone. This by the way is also just so boring. I feel like as of lately I've been trying really hard to understand my definition of love and how we can even perceive it especially at such a young age. It's clearly not tangible, it's a psychological emotion (at least that's what science says) and lots of other stuff that freaks younger people out who just want to live through life and just settle down and will look for anyone easily. Loving can be really beautiful as I've seen with my friends. Lately I've realized how romantic love as itself is solely that we can have one singular friend and the depth it comes in. Recently understanding of how intensely I feel, not one single person can bring this to me and in a way, it's communal but not in a romantic setting. I feel like the one people who I feel like have genuinely loved me have been my close friends. I guess you can consider partners like this but I cannot grasp the idea of being solely with one person and that is who revolves around the world. This is not a pro-polyamorous take I think there is this kind of depth with women friends. I have two amazing friends who actually show me 10 times more than what I deserve. Dealing with losing people is so heart shattering but in a way, I know I will love again, I know that I am actually lovable even if I keep telling myself I'm not, one person's concept of me will never change who I am to the people I have learned to dedicate myself to. Losing a lover is difficult, losing someone you create a deep connection with in itself is a hard concept to even live with. I grow everyday loving and feeling like I recess back without one feels so draining but also, life is so big. We really do have an ocean out here even if we don't understand. There are people in worlds you couldn't even fathom. We are all only so young. Believing a bigger world where we can love once and that love is just so beautiful alone makes you feel so big but also so brand new. I learn to be honest and express myself in my writing which in itself is my own personal way of loving myself. I love my friends by listening, by spending genuine time with them and knowing that I have felt things that they have felt and I am just as intense as they are. I always have moments where I sit and cry and contemplate why I even care to love if things don't fully work out sometimes then I remember the joy of being passionate about someone. I remember how it feels to be able to sit in a setting with your closest people and enjoy something as much of a blessing as music, or as a poetry event, or even just a movie you enjoy and you just talk with them and never stop thinking about it for days. This week has sucked but I've learned and I'm ready to finally love myself even if I don't feel so great in the beginning. I've got one body and this body is mine.