an ode to friendship, studying, and love of life

I am officially a grad student now. I've developed this really intricate idea of who I am but also where I want to go because it has been such a long road since I came to UHD and created the space to venture into my own wants and needs. At 18, I had a concept that was rooted in this idea that if I wasn't loved by a romantic partner I was never going to be loved. This took four years to unlearn and then to develop into myself. I don't only owe a sense of respect to myself, but I owe respect to my loved ones who even when I would loathe away at my worth being gendered and set into a box that could never be closed. They knew my walls and where to step into the box of love. I've come to sit and realize, the selfishness that comes with depression and anxiety desert all the people that have sat with you when you cried to sad slow core. They make you desert that your value as a person should've never been sought out in unfulfilling relationships when the people who always mattered have always been there. I would've died if it weren't for Anita, Jasmine and my Parents. As trauma bonded as it may sound, there are anchors that can be cut and lost by a rope and if it weren't for the resistant chain that they held, all would've been lost. I seek out ways to escape at times with my studying and with this part of myself that I feel is so close to being the best I have ever thought about. I have gotten this Bachelors degree and I promised to myself that the learning never ends. You can be the smartest person in the room and there is still so much to understand and learn. I'm now going to UHCL for a Masters in Literature to continue on the work and to keep writing, reading and thinking and contemplating till I get to teach what I was taught to me and my peers. As time comes again and again, I've come to terms that all the pain, all the breakups, all the tears, all the times I could not get out of bed has taught me that every single thing that has led up to this moment was something deep with passion. I've learned to understand that passion isn't only shown through intimacy, it's showed through acts of kindness and generosity. I've learned that my love is not exclusive to the people I am romantically entangled with, it's with the debriefs at chess nights, noodle dinners, and talks in between climbing. I am not the depressed 19 year old girl who can't figure out herself anymore. I have flourished and created myself from bones and all. Things are aligning and shit will indeed hit the fan, but all of it will be with the cost of needing to learn things. I'm so grateful that life did not end when I failed a class, got caught up with the potential of addiction, and instead chose to regain my autonomy. Things have finally been flourishing. Life really is so beautiful.